Trick question! There is no such thing as a bad alter! Now, I know what you are thinking- "Ha! If you think there are no bad alters, you haven't met MINE!" -but hear me out on this one!
Alters do what they have learned to do- pure and simple. Maybe they were specifically taught, and maybe they just picked it up from those around them. But for whatever reason, they believe in what they do. Its important to work with your parts and/or a therapist to find out why your they do what they do, and learn to offer them new jobs instead.
Unfortunately, if you have ritual abuse continuing in your life, or your alters participate in dangerous or risky behavior, you may not have the luxury of waiting for that often-lengthy process to work itself out.
One thing you can do, however, is make the behavior impossible to complete. An example of this would be padlocking your doors and windows to stop an alter from going out at night. That part still may not agree with you, but they have no opportunity to complete their plans.
There is always a choice! It often takes much more work for people like us to find the choice, but it is always there!
January 23, 2014
But if I try to stop, won't I be punished?
Short answer: yes. At least that's what they've tried to set up. The good news is, it doesn't have to be that way.
When I was first trying to set things up to be able to choose freedom by putting up traps and security around my house, I underestimated the cunning and creativity of alters, and their drive to do what they have always known to be their job. Because of this, the fortification system on our apartment only "kind of" worked. It was more of a hit and miss thing. Sadly, someone did get hurt for that.
Now, I know better. When you get ready to set up your own system, start putting it up in the morning and don't go to bed until it is all the way foolproof. If you miss a night or two of going out here and there, there will most likely be repercussions. I know that when I move someday, I will have to make setting up the new system a priority. We might have to sleep on the floor that first night because we've spent the whole day installing that instead of setting up the beds- but if everything is locked, it will be worth it. What's a night sleeping on the floor in your own house compared to the horrors that would happen somewhere else?
Also, a rule of thumb is that the longer you are out, the more dangerous it will be to go back in. A clean break is necessary to ensure your life and physical safety.
"Ahhh!", you say, "This is all just too dangerous and overwhelming! I can't do it!"
Please hear me, though, when I say that you really can get out. There is healing. There is hope. When you are ready to make that decision, then make it. Count the cost! Choosing life can be a really really hard and scary process. But how much harder and more scary is it to stay involved in circles of ritual abuse?? You can do this! Other people have. More and more people will. There is hope!
When I was first trying to set things up to be able to choose freedom by putting up traps and security around my house, I underestimated the cunning and creativity of alters, and their drive to do what they have always known to be their job. Because of this, the fortification system on our apartment only "kind of" worked. It was more of a hit and miss thing. Sadly, someone did get hurt for that.
Now, I know better. When you get ready to set up your own system, start putting it up in the morning and don't go to bed until it is all the way foolproof. If you miss a night or two of going out here and there, there will most likely be repercussions. I know that when I move someday, I will have to make setting up the new system a priority. We might have to sleep on the floor that first night because we've spent the whole day installing that instead of setting up the beds- but if everything is locked, it will be worth it. What's a night sleeping on the floor in your own house compared to the horrors that would happen somewhere else?
Also, a rule of thumb is that the longer you are out, the more dangerous it will be to go back in. A clean break is necessary to ensure your life and physical safety.
"Ahhh!", you say, "This is all just too dangerous and overwhelming! I can't do it!"
Please hear me, though, when I say that you really can get out. There is healing. There is hope. When you are ready to make that decision, then make it. Count the cost! Choosing life can be a really really hard and scary process. But how much harder and more scary is it to stay involved in circles of ritual abuse?? You can do this! Other people have. More and more people will. There is hope!
January 5, 2014
Is there really a choice?
For those of us who have D.I.D., it can seem like there is no choice. We come from a certain background, where we (and our parts) were told we were born for a certain purpose. Even if we, the "core" or "main" (or whatever you want to call it) choose life, it can be heartbreaking, frustrating and defeating to find out that we are also involved in shady, immoral, or dangerous behavior when we loose time to other parts of ourselves.
We were taught as children that we didn't have a choice, sometimes directly but also through experience. We were small then, and helpless....but as we have grown, we haven't realized that our power has grown too. Truly, there is a choice. Sometimes its more complicated to find the choice for us than it would be if we were not divided in our minds, but there is always a choice.
Here's an example from my life-
Both myself and my roommate have DID. We both are involved in intensive therapy & are both Christians, who want to honor God in our lives. Not all of our parts feel the same way. For years we have both had a history of our parts going out at night and getting involved in situations that we ourselves do not approve of for our own lives. It has always felt like we didn't have a choice. We would go to sleep, then wake up in the morning sore, not understanding why, only to eventually find out what had really gone on. Where is the choice in that?
But now, we have a system in place to give us a choice. When we moved in together, we basically fortified our apartment. I will have more on how in another post, so those that need it could duplicate it if needed. But basically, every night before bed, we "lock up"- we make sure all the doors and windows are locked from the inside with two locks- both mine and hers. Neither one of us could leave the house without breaking something, or without the other one's help. (we have a big rock standing by for fire safety, don't worry!)
Its not a conventional choice, for sure. Its not even a convenient choice. We both have to be home, awake, together every night. We can't go to bed early if the other is at work. We can't spend the night out, even for a holiday or vacation. We have to be careful, and observant. But now we have a choice. Our bodies don't get hurt, our parts don't get re-traumatized. And that, my friends, is worth it.
If you have DID, you are creative. Hands down. Your brain couldn't have reacted that way to trauma if you weren't. Having a choice, then, boils down to using that creativity in a new way- because there always is a choice!
We were taught as children that we didn't have a choice, sometimes directly but also through experience. We were small then, and helpless....but as we have grown, we haven't realized that our power has grown too. Truly, there is a choice. Sometimes its more complicated to find the choice for us than it would be if we were not divided in our minds, but there is always a choice.
Here's an example from my life-
Both myself and my roommate have DID. We both are involved in intensive therapy & are both Christians, who want to honor God in our lives. Not all of our parts feel the same way. For years we have both had a history of our parts going out at night and getting involved in situations that we ourselves do not approve of for our own lives. It has always felt like we didn't have a choice. We would go to sleep, then wake up in the morning sore, not understanding why, only to eventually find out what had really gone on. Where is the choice in that?
But now, we have a system in place to give us a choice. When we moved in together, we basically fortified our apartment. I will have more on how in another post, so those that need it could duplicate it if needed. But basically, every night before bed, we "lock up"- we make sure all the doors and windows are locked from the inside with two locks- both mine and hers. Neither one of us could leave the house without breaking something, or without the other one's help. (we have a big rock standing by for fire safety, don't worry!)
Its not a conventional choice, for sure. Its not even a convenient choice. We both have to be home, awake, together every night. We can't go to bed early if the other is at work. We can't spend the night out, even for a holiday or vacation. We have to be careful, and observant. But now we have a choice. Our bodies don't get hurt, our parts don't get re-traumatized. And that, my friends, is worth it.
If you have DID, you are creative. Hands down. Your brain couldn't have reacted that way to trauma if you weren't. Having a choice, then, boils down to using that creativity in a new way- because there always is a choice!
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