February 12, 2014

What about the day time?

UPDATE: I wrote this entry when I was using a different system to lock up at night- one that couldn't be used for short periods of time. With the time lock safe you can lock up for a few minutes or hours if you need to, to feel safe. However I feel that this entry still relates important information about choices and cooperation.

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I am very excited to create this: my first post in response to a reader's question! The question is this: setting up a whole backwards security system so your parts don't go out at night is great- but can't they just get into trouble during the day?

This question has a few different answers. The first answer is no. While the security system we use could potentially benefit anyone with DID, we specifically designed it and use it because we both have a background in organized ritual abuse. I could type for hours about the complex way those from our pasts have tried to set us (specifically our parts) up to always return. Most if not all of the things we were involved in directly relating to that happen at night, so having the house locked up at bedtime prevents engagement with that type of trauma behavior.

However the second answer is yes. Yes, they can just get into trouble during the day. I personally definitely have parts that have engaged in both illegal and immoral activities during the day.

For many people, the way their brain has set up dissociation, the "switching" or "loosing time" is pretty seamless. After you realize that it is something that goes on in your life, though, you can learn to catch it. You'll take a "nap" and when you wake up you are in bed instead of on the couch. Time has suddenly passed you by. Friends mention doing something with you that you don't remember doing.

Once you can see it, and with a little bit of effort, you can be sure you haven't lost time. For everyone, and in every situation, this is going to look different. One idea would be to get together with a friend you trust. If you are still with the friend, you know you haven't gone off and done anything crazy by yourself.

For me, because of the work I've done in therapy, I am familiar with many of my parts. Depending on who I feel "close" to me, I choose not to ever take naps. I know that the minute I "fall asleep" (the body doesn't- just my part of the mind) some of my parts will take advantage of the situation and do things I'd rather they not do. So, on those days, I force myself to stay up, and stay out. I go to the mall and wander, read at a coffee shop, or put in a little extra time at the office. I'll ask my roommate to text me when she gets home, then when she does, I'll go home as well.

It all goes back to there always being a choice- but the choices just being much more complicated for those of us who dissociate. I don't have the direct choice to obey the law or not obey the law when it comes right down to the act- but I do have the choice to go home and take a nap, or stay at work an extra hour. Take the thing you feel you don't have a choice over, then work the steps leading up to it backwards- somewhere along there, there WILL be a place where you can insert a choice. If you have any questions, be sure to let me know!

4 comments:

  1. This post has just been blown me away and thanks so much for answering my question! But now I feel like I have even more!!
    I didn't realize that you could have so much control over your DID. Is this the same for most people or is it like this for you because you've done therapy??
    I find it really interesting that alters get involved in things you would never have anything to do with. I think I remember reading in one of your posts that you are a Christian? You mentioned, too, about not having a choice to break the law or not and that is something I have considered for people with DID. What would happen in an alter did something illegal and you were caught for that? Do people with DID have any protection in place for that (legally)?

    I guess what I am most curious about now is when do the alters come out? It sounds like for you they come out mostly when you're sleeping? Is that right, or do they make an appearance when you're wide awake? I also wonder what that would be like, just a total switch from yourself to a different person. What does that feel like for you, when you leave and an alter takes over? Or is that information that can even be recalled?

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  2. Great questions!

    -How do you have so much control over your dissociation?
    um...I'm glad you think i do....but I don't think I do! This is the stuff I have to do daily to keep myself and my body from getting harmed. It doesn't feel like I'm in control. And yes, I learned how to take care of myself in this way from therapy/psychiatric intervention

    -Alters getting involved in things you'd rather not?
    I should probably make some general informational posts about things like this. Basically, they experienced the parts of my life that i did not, and visa-versa. So yes, they have completely different values, experiences, and views of self. Watch for a post on this coming soon!

    -Legal protection?
    People with DID have the same protections that anyone else with a mental illness have. Unfortunately, because of the bizarre nature of DID and the lack of recognition it gets as a legitimate disorder even in, as you said, the educated community, I would think it would be really hard to actually get help if you were stuck in a situation where "you" were arrested for something "they" did. And truly....I'm not sure I would want that. If I killed someone....if this body killed someone....I mean sure, I don't want to be in jail but someone has to be held responsible!

    -When do alters come out?
    Always. Any time. When you least expect it. Through therapy, I've learned lots of tricks for "grounding" myself in the present if I feel myself starting to slip away. They don't always work, and I don't always have enough warning to use them. Also I've got a team of parts inside that I trust and are on my side and they help keep certain other parts away from the "front". So yea, when its late and I'm tired, or when I'm asleep, its more likely that I will switch to a part I don't trust. But it can happen any time.

    -what does it feel like to switch? can you even remember it?
    great question- watch for a post this weekend!

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  3. I've been checking back on your blog to see when you post and haven't seen anything new from you. I hope that things are okay with you and in your life and that things are under control. I think about you a lot (though I know very little about you!!) and pray for you. Take care of yourself.

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  4. I am, thank you! Things have been crazy, but good! Check out the new posts- and email me! I'd love to get to know you a little more :)

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