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If you or someone you know has DID and struggles with the after-effects of ritual abuse, please know that there is hope. Freedom is possible, and healing is available. My desire is that this blog will give you some picture of that, and perhaps in time be able to offer you resources as well.

If you are DID & have a history with programming, much of what is in this blog, while not graphic in any way, will be overwhelming just because of the sheer blatant disobedience of it all. Be gentle with yourself(ves)! Take your time and go slowly. This fight is a long haul, not a sprint. Do what you can each day.
I grew up in a family that was involved in a cult. Thru trauma and torture, I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). As a young adult, I was diagnosed, then spent the next seven years in and out of treatment, programs, on psych meds, and in counseling for many hours a week.

I was told by many professionals that this was just going to be my life, for now. DID takes years and years to heal. It just does. But then I discovered that THIS INFORMATION WAS NOT TRUE. It does NOT take years. It takes hours. In a single weekend, after a few weeks of prep, I was integrated.

In those years of therapy, there were many times that I was suicidal. Hope was really hard to come by, and to be honest I wasn't sure I wanted to hope at all. I wanted healing, wanted wholeness....but I wasn't sure I believed in it. Twenty years sounds like a really long time, especially when you're not much more than 20 years old.

I wanted so badly for someone who had gone before me to tell me it would be ok. To tell me all the fighting through pain and memories was worth it. For someone who HADN'T always been a singlet to tell me integration was a good idea. I looked hard for someone like that, who would tell me those things, but I never found one. I found lots of people who told me integration was murder (its not) or that it's impossible (its not) or that it was just another word for co-consiousness (its not!!). And I swore that I wouldn't be one of those people. If I got better, someday, I wouldn't disappear.

And then, one day, I got better. And I started to understand. When you actually have the choice to leave your past behind you, letting it go seems like a much better choice than it did when you were drowning in it.

And so, I reopened this blog. I deleted most of the posts, tho there are a few in the archives that I thought shared some hope or some ideas that might still be useful to folks. But mostly, now, it will be the way I don't entirely disappear. Integration is a whole 'nother adventure. I have so much to do and learn and explore. But I won't say nothing to the community of people seeking healing. I would write what I have to say here, leave it for you to read.

I hope and pray that my personal story here and the resources that helped me will encourage you on your journey. I wish you all the best in wholeness and health. If you want healing, you can have it. If you're serious about getting better, you will. When you reach the point that you want to integrate so bad that you'd do anything, face any fear, then you can know that hope is just around the corner.

This blog exists at the intersection of a war. A fight between the new way of living and thinking, and the old ways of fear, hate, anger, secrecy, and all the enemy planned. Friends, love wins. You can be free. There is a choice. The New Way wins.