Why are your alters different from you?

I struggled with how to word this question- there's something deeper I'm driving at. Psychologists argue about the influence of nature vs nurture in a person's life. Does a person become the way they are (personality wise, behaviorally, emotionally), or are they born that way? All the different parts in one person may seem, at first glance, to throw an interesting curve ball into this debate.

I lived one life. I was born one way, and I was raised one way- so how in the world do I end up with parts, you ask, who are so starkly different? Easy.

Imagine a child, a small boy of say five or six. His home life is horrendous. He's beaten nightly, and starved of both love and sustenance. He lives in a poor neighborhood, and his teachers just don't care. No one does. One might say, "this boy hasn't experienced anything good in his life" - but really....that's not *literally* true: 

• Once, he went to a birthday party down the street. The family was poor also, but kind. He had a cupcake there. It was good. 
• Once, while his parents were fighting, his older sister took him down to the park. She pushed him really high on the swings- it was good.
• Once, his class raced from one end of the playground to the other, and he won. It was good. 
• Once, when he cried himself to sleep, he had a dream that he got a puppy for christmas- it was good. 

The human experience includes ups and downs, joy and pain. And no mater how much pain there is, there's always a little something to balance it. Maybe its just a stick to play with, or a beautiful sunset, but there's always something.

Not so for an part. Literally, every single experience they have, every moment they ever live, every single fibre of their life, is trauma. Daddy cuddles daughter, maybe its not bad at first. The core might remember that. The moment it becomes more than a cuddle, the part comes. What happens then is not good. When its over, daughter returns. The part only took in the bad. Only, ever, ever, the most horrid, most terrifying, most de-humanizing parts of life.

And that's why I'm thankful for my parts. The "worst" parts- the ones with behavior that I have to compensate for- that behavior comes from a place of deep pain, of purposely re-living what they've already lived. If they weren't there, that would be me. I'd be the willing prostitute, and the shoplifter, and the cutter.

At least this way, I still think those things are problems. I still want to find a way to show my parts there's more, there's hope, there's healing. If I was a singlet, how would I even know to look? I ride the bus every day, and I see people that remind me of my parts. I wish for them, that they had a core, a part of them inside that was locking them in at night, protecting them, taking their memories and processing them. At least this way, I know I have a choice.

What does it feel like to "switch" to another part?

Great question- one I'm sure I'd have if I was a singlet. Also though, one that is difficult to answer. I'll give it my best shot- but please understand, I do not pretend to speak for everyone (or anyone!) who has DID, as we all experience this disorder in VERY different ways. This is just what it feels like to me.

To start off, I want to clarify that I understand the science behind DID. I do actually recognize that I am fully one person. I get that saying otherwise would make me look a little kooky- and that's not what I'm doing at all! I'm going to try to explain how it FEELS- not how it actually is. So bear with me!

I, myself, in my experience of day-to-day life, am me. Just me. Much the same, I would guess, as you are you. I'm never anyone else. I'm never a different gender, age, etc. My name always stays the same. I always believe the same things, and have the same values. I'm just me. That's how I feel.

I have a body. It is mine, but it is not me. Its just a body. Empty, useless, if not for my occupation of it. It serves me well, I feed it and take care of it, but its just a body. I live in it. That's how I feel.

Inside the body, there are more than just me. (that's how I feel) Some of the others in here, I know, some I have not met. Some of the ones that I know I like, others I do not like. Some believe similar things as I do, others do not. Of those that do not, I respect the views of some, and I think others are batshit crazy for the stuff they think. But they are not me. They are them. They have names, genders, ages, etc. Some of these things line up with my identity, but some do not. It doesn't matter, in much the same way as if I was standing in a crowd. Some people in the crowd might also be female, or also be my same age, or also share my same first or last name. It wouldn't matter- they are them, and I am me. That's how I feel.

As I look around in the world, I see that most people get one body, and one self. So they are always there. They are always the one using their bodies. When they fall asleep, they are also the one that wakes up. They participate in a wide range of activities, from playing playdough with their kids, to watching horror movies, to having sex, to doing taxes. Its all them. They are good at some things, and not so good at other things. But they are the ones that do all the different things that make up their lives.

Not so with me! (at least, that's how it feels!) Sometimes I'm in my body, like you, and sometimes, I'm not. When I'm not, there's nothing. No time passes. No dark, no light, I'm not in some kind of suspended animation....its more like I pushed the "skip" button on the DVD player. Sometimes, it works out, like if you were watching an old DVD that you knew well, and you skipped a boring or scary part. Sometimes, you accidentally skip your favorite part. And sometimes, its as if you were watching a DVD you'd never seen before, and you missed key parts in the story. You have no idea what's going on, who's doing what, etc.

It can be really scary, heartbreaking, and painful- because during the time I am gone, someone else is using the body. Sometimes, they are doing things I would do, or would like them to do, like going to work, or fixing my computer, or exercising. Other times, they are doing things that are important to them, but are abhorant to me. In some ways, its their choice, their life- but in other ways, it sure as hell is not. My job in therapy then, is to work with my parts, so we come to an understanding about the way "we" (which is all one brain, remember) live this life. Its kind of a crazy process. 

As I process the feelings, memories and skills that each part holds, we become closer and closer until we merge completely into one. Ultimately, all of us will have one single stream of consciousness- this is commonly called "integration" of parts. As this process happens, the feeling of "switching" changes as we become "co-conscious". First (the worst part!) I start to be able to see what's going on while the part is using the body. Its like watching your life as a first person movie. No control, no choice, just watching. Sometimes, this is terrible. But ultimately, as I continue to work, co-consciousness begins to change for me/us. Instead of one front and one stuck watching, its like we are making choices together. A team, but still two. Then, finally, the two become one. Integration. Neither have to loose time, neither have to watch choices be made they hate, because there are no two. No red playdough, no blue playdough, but a better, stronger, bigger ball of purple playdough. That's what it feels like to me. 
 

What about the day time?

UPDATE: I wrote this entry when I was using a different system to lock up at night- one that couldn't be used for short periods of time. With the time lock safe you can lock up for a few minutes or hours if you need to, to feel safe. However I feel that this entry still relates important information about choices and cooperation.

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I am very excited to create this: my first post in response to a reader's question! The question is this: setting up a whole backwards security system so your parts don't go out at night is great- but can't they just get into trouble during the day?

This question has a few different answers. The first answer is no. While the security system we use could potentially benefit anyone with DID, we specifically designed it and use it because we both have a background in organized ritual abuse. I could type for hours about the complex way those from our pasts have tried to set us (specifically our parts) up to always return. Most if not all of the things we were involved in directly relating to that happen at night, so having the house locked up at bedtime prevents engagement with that type of trauma behavior.

However the second answer is yes. Yes, they can just get into trouble during the day. I personally definitely have parts that have engaged in both illegal and immoral activities during the day.

For many people, the way their brain has set up dissociation, the "switching" or "loosing time" is pretty seamless. After you realize that it is something that goes on in your life, though, you can learn to catch it. You'll take a "nap" and when you wake up you are in bed instead of on the couch. Time has suddenly passed you by. Friends mention doing something with you that you don't remember doing.

Once you can see it, and with a little bit of effort, you can be sure you haven't lost time. For everyone, and in every situation, this is going to look different. One idea would be to get together with a friend you trust. If you are still with the friend, you know you haven't gone off and done anything crazy by yourself.

For me, because of the work I've done in therapy, I am familiar with many of my parts. Depending on who I feel "close" to me, I choose not to ever take naps. I know that the minute I "fall asleep" (the body doesn't- just my part of the mind) some of my parts will take advantage of the situation and do things I'd rather they not do. So, on those days, I force myself to stay up, and stay out. I go to the mall and wander, read at a coffee shop, or put in a little extra time at the office. I'll ask my roommate to text me when she gets home, then when she does, I'll go home as well.

It all goes back to there always being a choice- but the choices just being much more complicated for those of us who dissociate. I don't have the direct choice to obey the law or not obey the law when it comes right down to the act- but I do have the choice to go home and take a nap, or stay at work an extra hour. Take the thing you feel you don't have a choice over, then work the steps leading up to it backwards- somewhere along there, there WILL be a place where you can insert a choice. If you have any questions, be sure to let me know!

How to I punish my bad alters?

Trick question! There is no such thing as a bad alter! Now, I know what you are thinking- "Ha! If you think there are no bad alters, you haven't met MINE!" -but hear me out on this one!

Alters do what they have learned to do- pure and simple. Maybe they were specifically taught, and maybe they just picked it up from those around them. But for whatever reason, they believe in what they do. Its important to work with your parts and/or a therapist to find out why your they do what they do, and learn to offer them new jobs instead.

Unfortunately, if you have ritual abuse continuing in your life, or your alters participate in dangerous or risky behavior, you may not have the luxury of waiting for that often-lengthy process to work itself out.

One thing you can do, however, is make the behavior impossible to complete. An example of this would be padlocking your doors and windows to stop an alter from going out at night. That part still may not agree with you, but they have no opportunity to complete their plans.

There is always a choice! It often takes much more work for people like us to find the choice, but it is always there!

But if I try to stop, won't I be punished?

Short answer: yes. At least that's what they've tried to set up. The good news is, it doesn't have to be that way.

When I was first trying to set things up to be able to choose freedom by putting up traps and security around my house, I underestimated the cunning and creativity of alters, and their drive to do what they have always known to be their job. Because of this, the fortification system on our apartment only "kind of" worked. It was more of a hit and miss thing. Sadly, someone did get hurt for that.

Now, I know better. When you get ready to set up your own system, start putting it up in the morning and don't go to bed until it is all the way foolproof. If you miss a night or two of going out here and there, there will most likely be repercussions. I know that when I move someday, I will have to make setting up the new system a priority. We might have to sleep on the floor that first night because we've spent the whole day installing that instead of setting up the beds- but if everything is locked, it will be worth it. What's a night sleeping on the floor in your own house compared to the horrors that would happen somewhere else?

Also, a rule of thumb is that the longer you are out, the more dangerous it will be to go back in. A clean break is necessary to ensure your life and physical safety.

"Ahhh!", you say, "This is all just too dangerous and overwhelming! I can't do it!"

Please hear me, though, when I say that you really can get out. There is healing. There is hope. When you are ready to make that decision, then make it. Count the cost! Choosing life can be a really really hard and scary process. But how much harder and more scary is it to stay involved in circles of ritual abuse?? You can do this! Other people have. More and more people will. There is hope!

Is there really a choice?

For those of us who have D.I.D., it can seem like there is no choice. We come from a certain background, where we (and our parts) were told we were born for a certain purpose. Even if we, the "core" or "main" (or whatever you want to call it) choose life, it can be heartbreaking, frustrating and defeating to find out that we are also involved in shady, immoral, or dangerous behavior when we loose time to other parts of ourselves.

We were taught as children that we didn't have a choice, sometimes directly but also through experience. We were small then, and helpless....but as we have grown, we haven't realized that our power has grown too. Truly, there is a choice. Sometimes its more complicated to find the choice for us than it would be if we were not divided in our minds, but there is always a choice.

Here's an example from my life-

Both myself and my roommate have DID. We both are involved in intensive therapy & are both Christians, who want to honor God in our lives. Not all of our parts feel the same way. For years we have both had a history of our parts going out at night and getting involved in situations that we ourselves do not approve of for our own lives. It has always felt like we didn't have a choice. We would go to sleep, then wake up in the morning sore, not understanding why, only to eventually find out what had really gone on. Where is the choice in that?

But now, we have a system in place to give us a choice.  When we moved in together, we basically fortified our apartment. I will have more on how in another post, so those that need it could duplicate it if needed. But basically, every night before bed, we "lock up"- we make sure all the doors and windows are locked from the inside with two locks- both mine and hers. Neither one of us could leave the house without breaking something, or without the other one's help. (we have a big rock standing by for fire safety, don't worry!)

Its not a conventional choice, for sure. Its not even a convenient choice. We both have to be home, awake, together every night. We can't go to bed early if the other is at work. We can't spend the night out, even for a holiday or vacation. We have to be careful, and observant. But now we have a choice. Our bodies don't get hurt, our parts don't get re-traumatized. And that, my friends, is worth it.

If you have DID, you are creative. Hands down. Your brain couldn't have reacted that way to trauma if you weren't. Having a choice, then, boils down to using that creativity in a new way- because there always is a choice!